All Right, Folks! The Judges Have Done Their Judging. Now it's Your Turn! The #1 Best of The Worst will be chosen by YOU! Send in your votes via Twitter: @agpasquella or email: firstname.lastname@example.org or the comment section on this blog post. A voter will be chosen at random to win a copy of "Why Not A Spider Monkey Jesus?" One vote per person. Voting is open until Friday Dec. 16, 2011, at which point the #1 Best Of The Worst Holiday Hit Song will be crowned! Good Luck, Everyone!
Presenting, In No Particular Order, AGP Books' Top Ten Best Of The Worst Holiday Hits!
1) Dominick The Italian Christmas Donkey - Lou Monte
Shari: Why isn't this tune more popular? It’s fun, catchy, and about an ass. It’s perfect. Plus, the choice of photos is supreme. Especially good: the photo of an old man eating a sub sandwich and the shot of panda bears.
2) Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas - John Denver
Nathaniel: The drunken dad songs are always a classic that gets the party going. And the empathetic narrative and Oedipal overalls / overlays are quality refined to the highest degree.
Michael: Just cuts a little too close to the bone, is all.
3) Mary Had A Baby Boy- Cullen's ABCs
Nathaniel: 'Mary Had A Baby Boy' is like an intervention no one asked for.
Michael: It's more of surveillance footage from an insane asylum than it is Christmas carol.
Jill: As a child, I always pictured the lamb-having Mary (who is the rightful owner of this melody) as being a child a year or two older than myself, burdened too young by shepardessship. Now you want me to think she has a baby, and be happy about it? I can't go along with that, even if his name *is* Jesus.
4) Christmas Dance Carol Remix 2
Jill: The choreography looks like it's straight out of the Wii/Xbox game ' Just Dance' and as such I am bound to love it.
Shari: The choreography here is supreme. You can tell they’re real professionals. Best of all: rapping Santa.
Nathaniel: This is harmless and should be on the Lost in translation 2 soundtrack. It's like a slave labour Christmas Gap ad.
5) Christmas Magic - Ali Lohan
Michael: This is the front runner to take it all.
Nathaniel: Ali Lohan's Christmas Magic is a cigar smoking blue collar crime. I love this Satanic revival of the classic 80s teen capitalist mall erotic softcore.
Shari: The best part of all is the slowness of the leaping slow motion reindeer.
6) I Hate Christmas - George Patience
Michael: AC/DC meets Weird Al Yankovich with a few listless blondes tossed into the mix. Hurray for the 80's!
Jill: Deliberately sets out to be awful, and doesn't even succeed at selling that, which somehow makes it more awful.
Nathaniel: It looks really bad and was dated before it was even made.
7) All I Want For Christmas Is You - Justin Bieber Ft. Mariah Carey
Jill: Nothing about this isn't wrong. Her cut-out dress, his mannequin ogling, the Macy's promo, the autotune on "mistletoe", Mariah shaking her ass harder and harder to try to get *any* attention in a Bieber video… it's like they're doing it on purpose.
Nathaniel: Is that little black kid Mariah's child being taken around by a nanny while Mariah dresses like a prostitute? I like Bieber's vest but I loathe his hand dancing and I bet it was very Little Rascals on set and they kept making him act via torture and saying if you don't do another take you don't get to meet Mariah Carey.
8. Deck The Halls - Chuggo
Michael: Spent most of my life trying to avoid such chaps. The dark offspring of Beavis and Butthead.
Jill: Staying true to himself hasn't helped the pathologically aggressive Chuggo avoid holiday stress, but at least his dog gets a cameo.
Burnt Lobster: I would argue that Chuggo is a misunderstood genius.
9) Christmas Day Of The Robot - Servotron
Jill: Take Rock Lobster, add an annihilating robot and a Santa hat.
Nathaniel: You can't just add a cool word and expect to win this contest. And besides my Katy Perry and Robocop idea is way better and can be franchised.
Michael: If it was a cartoon show I would watch it every week.
10) Let It Snow - Jessica Simpson
Michael: A charisma free zone.
Jill: I chose this because I honestly thought it was about a billion times worse than the Ali Lohan option, and my mind went completely blank for a few minutes while I considered all the implications of that.
Nathaniel: "The fire is slowly dying" is possibly still the greatest lyric in the history of Christ exploitation.
Shari: Umbrella in winter. Great idea!
Thanks again, Judges! Season's Greetings, Everyone!